Here you can see the literal HUNDREDS of dead from the swine flu. That is nearly 2.14*10^-11 of the worlds population.So by this point if you haven’t heard of the swine flu you have been either living under a hole in the ground or trying foolishly to torrent on comcast live internet/cable/voip/(whatever other crap we can shove down you throat).
So why am I bringing this up on a tech blog? Well for one thing I am horrendously opinionated and you for some reason like reading that and for another, google has come through to save the day for us.
Now you too can sate your innate innate need for human death and carnage. Google using flu fear mongers (as though yellowstone weren’t going to kill us all) have set up this map so that you can see in real time as people drop like flies (additionally xkcd has an amazing sketch on real time pandemic modeling here as well).
So yes, I know you are just as terrified of this whole thing as I am and as though they wanted to calm us down (as news publications always want to do) Discovery News has helpfully published 10 animals likely to case the ruination of mankind. Now while Discovery is content to leave you cowering in fear, wondering where next to turn I bring you solutions, 10 solutions in fact, to go with the ten threats.
1.Chickens
Problem: I am sure most of you remember the avian flu pandemic scare from china (don’t worry, it will come back when this one dies down. ;) virus’s work in shifts you see). It has a nearly 60% fatality rate vs. swine flu’s 6%
Solution: So you have had your first taste of the problem, now I bring you the solution...
If every chicken were instantly converted to Kentucky Fried goodness (grease typically fries at 475 degrees F, a altogether unhealthy environment for hysteria rich virus’s) there would be no more “bird” flu.
2.Pigs
Problem: Do I really need to describe this one? The problem is that Babe and Wilber from Charlotte’s Web all want to sneeze on you so you die a horrible death.
Solution:
Same idea as before but this time, to really make sure they are dead we slice them into tiny bits before boiling them in oil.
3.Ducks
Problem: Ducks are everywhere. Worse still, your hypothetical children are all intent on feeding them and adding to the menace.
Solution:
Harkening back to classics such “The Christmas Story”, go to your nearest chinese restaurant, preferably on Christmas eve and hack that donald duck up into tasty, mouth sized bites.
4.Goose
Problem: Same as duck except they hiss at you to add insult to disease ridden injury.
Solution:
Buy a gun, buy a dog, have fun... you get the idea.
5.Turkeys
Problem: Gobble Gobble, they are ugly
Solution:
Inject them with antibiotics and steroids then go to town on thanksgiving.
6.Horses
Problem: Equestrians, they are the fantasy of every prepubescent girl, who would have thought they sought the end of mankind. Maybe it was the riding on their backs with sharp pieces of metal wedged in their teeth....
Solution:
Solution: How many times have you broken that priceless vace (or your cats have)? Now through black beauties sacrifice that vace can be as good as new.
7.Dogs
Problem: Mans best friend indeed. Look at that innocent look. You would trust that face wouldn’t you? At least till you were dead.
Solution:
As these angry liberals point out, there are nearly 1 billion human beings on the planet (in China) ready to take fluffy, make a coat and have some grub. Problem solved.
8.Cats
Problem: Cute kitties, bad bugs.
Solution:
Smile, hug a kitty, make a lolcat of them and except your fate. Cats rule the world anyways, everyone knows that.
9.Seals
Problem: You may have seen these creatures wallowing on the beach or liberals throwing themselves between these magnificent creatures and camera toting tourists. Catch is, just like a nuke laden submarine off your port, these critters wait for the chance of a first strike.
Solution:
um... I am beginning to have to stretch here...
Become a minority, make a comfy hat.
10.Whales (yes shamoo)
Problem: While these public servants often rid us of the seal menace (see killer whales), they too want us dead.
Solution:
Umm barring the fact that Discovery even perceived these majestic creatures as something to be terrified over (does this mean they support japanese whaling?)... Here is my solution.
Hey, live and let live I always say (unless there is tasty food in the offing). They stick to their oceans and stay away from us and we do the same. To help communicate this, we make each of them perform (or at least watch) Free Willy with THAT kid (Jason James Richter) in it. They won’t be coming near us any time soon after that.
See, why is everyone losing their heads? Problems solved and you got it here first folks. Have a good evening and enjoy the new blog look.
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